Helping a Friend Who Has OCD
You probably have strong emotions about the wedge that OCD has driven into your friendship.
When your friend has OCD, it can be hard to watch their suffering. You may feel as if you’ve lost a friend—the person who has OCD is often so consumed with their OCD that they don’t have time for friendship anymore. And with the changes that occur in them with OCD, they may not even seem to be the same person you knew as a friend.
It’s natural to have strong emotions about this situation. Feelings can range from frustration, resentment, anger to embarrassment and disappointment.
This section is designed to give you practical information you can use to help you cope with changes in your relationship and help you support your friend through diagnosis and treatment.
Understanding What’s Behind The Problem of OCD
If your friend has OCD, he or she isn’t deliberately performing rituals and other frustrating behaviors. They can’t stop just because you want them to. When OCD is present, OCD is in control—not your friend.
Because OCD is a neurobiological anxiety disorder, your friend’s brain isn’t functioning the way the brain does in a person who doesn’t have OCD. It’s not their fault. But they live with the result of the brain sending continual “error messages”, resulting in constant uncertainty, including worries and fears that go well beyond what most of us will ever experience. Their anguish is real.
It can be very frustrating for you to watch your friend performing ritualistic behaviors, repeatedly asking questions or even ignoring their family members or you. It’s not done on purpose. It’s a coping mechanism – all compulsions are coping mechanisms and they are performed in an attempt to stop their obsessions.
You can learn more about obsessions and compulsions as well as treatment for OCD in the OCD Facts and Individuals sections of this web site.
You can give your friend the best chance of recovery from OCD by NOT accommodating OCD behavior.
Your Role as A Friend
Families and friends often accommodate OCD behaviors. Family members seemingly “automatically” adapt to their loved one’s disorder by helping them perform compulsive rituals or helping them avoid things that would be upsetting. Sometimes this accommodation is described as “just trying to keep peace in the family”.
As a friend, you can also fall into the trap of accommodating OCD by taking part in rituals, or offering to do a task that the OCD sufferer wants to avoid. If this sounds like your situation, you may also think that if you stop being involved in the rituals, reassurances and avoidance behavior, it will make the OCD worse. This is how OCD manipulates the person who has the disorder and his or her family and friends.
Today, OCD treatment experts know that Cognitive Behavior Therapy (CBT) can effectively help OCD sufferers (read about CBT therapy in the OCD Facts section of this web site).
Friends and family members can give the person they care about the best chance of recovery from OCD by not accommodating or being involved in OCD compulsive behavior.
Learn more about how to stop accommodating OCD behavior
Managing Emotions
When your friend has OCD, it places enormous strain on your friendship. Instead of the bond of shared experiences and common interests, OCD can cause a disturbing distance to develop between friends. This can be highly disappointing, leaving you feeling empty. You may be mourning the friendship and the company of the person you felt you knew.
Learn more about managing emotions
What If My Friend Refuses To Get Treatment?
No one can make another person want to get well. Sometimes a person can be in denial about having OCD, or doesn’t believe anything can help them get better. Sometimes their fear of therapy is so great that they can’t make themselves try it. Maybe they’ve become so accustomed to their OCD rituals that they just won’t make a commitment to get help. Pleading with, reasoning with or even threatening your friend over getting help isn’t the answer.
Learn more about treatment refusal
What Else Can I Do?
Being a friend means being supportive. Part of being supportive is being informed and knowing some appropriate responses to typical behavior scenarios.
Learn more about how friends can be supportive about OCD
Resources for friends: