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How Do We Help Those We Love?

Posted by Janet Singer on February 01, 2012

As Valentine’s Day approaches, many of our thoughts turn to celebrating love. But what about those of us whose loved ones are suffering? How we can we help our spouses, parents, children, or friends who are struggling with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder?

When Someone You Love Has OCD gives practical suggestions for helping loved ones. First and foremost, we need to learn all we can about OCD. Knowledge is power, and the more we understand this often confusing disorder, the better position we will be in to help those we care about.

But nothing about OCD is that simple. Just because we know the right things to do, the right ways to act, and the right treatments to pursue, that does not always mean our loved ones will now be on the road to recovery. OCD is an insidious disorder that does whatever it can to undermine the sufferer’s desire to get well.

For example, recovery avoidance is not unusual in those with OCD, and can be deeply frustrating for family and friends who desperately want their loved one to get well. One of the common reasons why those with OCD avoid recovery is fear: fear of disrupting their “safe” world of rituals and compulsions, fear of getting better, fear of not knowing how to live without OCD. It is extremely difficult for those of us who do not have OCD to understand this fear. Even though it may not be based on reality, the fear itself is nonetheless very real and intense.

Another issue that often surfaces when dealing with OCD is enabling. When we participate at all in the rituals dictated by OCD, we are accommodating and enabling the sufferer.  Reassuring, altering family plans, and even changing our own behaviors are all examples of classic enabling. While we may help reduce our loved one’s anxiety in the short-term, we are actually prolonging the vicious cycle of OCD.

So now that we know enabling is hurting, not helping, those with OCD, we can just stop, right? Again, it’s not that easy.  As a parent, it was often difficult not to accommodate my son Dan. After all, it made him feel better (albeit temporarily) and not accommodating him caused him great distress. It can be heartbreaking to be the source of suffering for your child, or any family member for that matter, even if you know “it’s for the best.”  And sometimes it’s hard to even know when we might be enabling our loved ones. OCD is very sneaky, and I have no doubt that we inadvertently accommodated Dan many times.

But my message here is not one of gloom and doom. Yes, fighting OCD is hard, for the sufferers and those who care about them. There will be obstacles along the way. But the bottom line is that this disorder can be defeated. My son Dan went from barely being able to function to being a senior in college, living life to the fullest. OCD, no matter how severe, is absolutely treatable.

So again, what can we do to help those we love who are suffering from OCD? When we’ve learned all we can about the disorder, and we’ve stopped enabling, and we’ve dealt with recovery avoidance, what else is left?

Lots. For one thing, we can’t let OCD take the joy out of our lives. That would be letting it win. I think we need to make an effort to live our lives in a happy, productive, manner.  Being around those who are enjoying life can be a strong incentive to get well. In my family’s case, humor has always been a big part of our lives, and it was amazing to me that even throughout his darkest days, Dan could still laugh, and for a moment all would be well.

Another way we can help our family members or friends conquer OCD is by never giving up on them. Help them advocate for their rights in school, college, and the workplace. If you come across doctors or therapists who tell you that your loved one is not treatable, or will never get well, find another therapist or doctor. Make sure you deal with professionals who specialize in OCD. If recovery avoidance is an issue, let your loved ones know you are always there for them and want them to get well. Maybe they will agree to attend a support group, if not therapy.

And remember that while it is okay to feel angry, annoyed and overwhelmed when the going gets rough, these feelings should be directed toward the Obsessive Compulsive Disorder and not the person you care about. OCD is not your loved one’s fault and we need to always remember that. But the most important thing to remember, in my opinion, is that as insurmountable as OCD may seem at times, recovery is possible.  There is always hope for all those who suffer from OCD.

Janet Singer, an advocate for OCD awareness, is published regularly on various mental health web sites. She explores all topics related to OCD and shares what helped and what hurt in her son Dan’s recovery from this devastating disorder.  While there were many lessons learned along the way, Janet feels the most powerful one of all is that there is always hope. She is committed to getting the word out that OCD, no matter how severe, is treatable. You can read more about Dan’s story and follow her personal blog at: http://www.ocdtalk.wordpress.com. Janet uses a pseudonym to protect her son’s privacy.

New Year’s Resolutions: We Need a Plan

Posted by Janet Singer on January 03, 2012

I have never been a big fan of New Year’s resolutions. The few times I actually made them I gave up by the end of January, with only frustration and a sense of failure to show for my efforts (or lack thereof).

I think the problem is I never really thought these resolutions through. They were just proclamations: “I’m going to eat better. I’m going to exercise more. I’m going to worry less.” I resolved to do these things, but I had no plan.

The beginning of a new year, in my opinion, is a good time to take stock of our lives and envision our hopes for ourselves and our loved ones for the year to come. And once our desires are clear, the next step is to develop a plan to make them happen.

For OCD sufferers and their families, goals may include things as general as wanting to feel better or wanting to help a loved one get well. How these goals will be achieved is where all the planning comes in. And everyone’s plan will be different.

Perhaps you or a family member has recently been diagnosed with OCD. Your plan might include learning whatever you can about the disorder. Bookstores, libraries, and websites such as OCD Chicago offer a wealth of information. Your plan may also include finding a therapist who specializes in OCD and Exposure Response Prevention (ERP) Therapy, joining a support group, or learning how to best support your loved one who has OCD.

If you have been dealing with OCD for a while, maybe your plan will involve changing your treatment plan if what you are doing now has not been helpful. Perhaps it’s time to switch therapists, or to talk with your current therapist about revamping your ERP Therapy. Maybe your plan will even involve seeking treatment for the first time. If your loved one has been suffering from OCD, your plan may involve learning how to not enable him or her.

These are just some of the many goals OCD sufferers and their families may envision when dealing with the disorder. I realize that just reading the previous two paragraphs might be overwhelming. That’s why “the plan,” for whatever goals you may have, needs to be broken down into small, manageable steps. For example, if you are looking for a new therapist, first research the best way to do this. You may decide to contact OCD Chicago or the International OCD Foundation for referrals. That is a great first step. Next you can research questions you may want to ask when contacting a new therapist. The next step may be to set up consultations with several different therapists, and the final step will involve making an informed decision. This process may take days or weeks, but as long as you are moving forward that is all that matters. I can’t stress enough how important I think it is to break goals down into doable parts. Otherwise you may be setting yourself up for failure (see first paragraph), or at least a lot of increased anxiety, and none of us needs that!

OCD aside, when thinking of some common New Year’s resolutions, it is interesting to note that they are often things that are specifically recommended to those who suffer from anxiety disorders: daily exercising, eating well, learning relaxation techniques, and helping others.

Again these are general goals and everyone’s step-by-step plan to achieve them will be different. For example, eating well may be decreasing consumption of caffeine and refined sugar for one person or becoming a vegetarian for another. If your goal is the first scenario, you may want to make a chart and plan to gradually decrease your coffee and soda consumption. The expression “slow and steady wins the race” fits well here.

In many ways, this plan for following through on New Year’s resolutions is quite similar to dealing with OCD. Coming to terms with having the disorder, learning how to fight it, and getting well, all involve goals, a well thought out plan, and small, manageable steps. New Year’s resolutions can be kept, and OCD can be beaten, but they both take a lot of work and will not happen overnight.

Here’s wishing you and your family a happy, healthy 2012, filled with goals and plans for whatever you wish to achieve.

Janet Singer, an advocate for OCD awareness, is published regularly on various mental health web sites. She explores all topics related to OCD and shares what helped and what hurt in her son Dan’s recovery from this devastating disorder.  While there were many lessons learned along the way, Janet feels the most powerful one of all is that there is always hope. She is committed to getting the word out that OCD, no matter how severe, is treatable. You can read more about Dan’s story and follow her personal blog at: http://www.ocdtalk.wordpress.com. Janet uses a pseudonym to protect her son’s privacy.

OCD and Holiday Giving

Posted by Janet Singer on December 01, 2011

“I will never forget that feeling of being completely lost and alone, not knowing who to listen to or where to turn for help.”
 
This quote is from my first post on Connections, where I talk about my son Dan’s journey through severe OCD. Though this nightmare transpired almost four years ago, the fear I felt back then is still palpable, and is what fuels my advocacy for OCD awareness and proper treatment.

If you’re reading this, you are likely either an OCD sufferer or care about someone with OCD, and so there’s a good chance you have an idea of how I felt. Again, if you’re reading this, then you’ve also found OCD Chicago’s web site, and now there is no longer any reason to feel “lost and alone.”

OCD Chicago is an amazing organization that provides the most up-to-date information and resources not only for OCD sufferers, but for their families and mental health professionals as well. Our popular OCD Guides for all age groups offer encouraging and practical steps to improve the lives of adults and children who are affected by OCD.

Exploring the entire OCD Chicago web site could take days. In addition to facts and resources, the Expert Perspectives and Personal Stories links are informative and down-to-earth. For specific information on helping students with OCD in school, parents and educators have the option to visit our second web site, the OCD Education Station.

While the quality of this site is impressive, I believe the heart of OCD Chicago lies in the individual attention afforded those who seek our help. A “real person” who has knowledge of OCD will always answer the phone when you call and spend whatever time is needed responding to your questions and pointing you in the right direction. We offer referrals to treatment providers and support groups, and our support group is the only free one in the Chicagoland area. OCD Chicago also provides speakers to school districts, public forums and the news media for the purpose of heightening awareness and understanding of OCD. Most importantly, OCD Chicago offers hope and encouragement to those dealing with OCD.

OCD Chicago offers every one of its resources and services for free, and we rely solely on donations to keep afloat. But nonprofit organizations such as ours are often not at the top of the list when people are considering holiday giving. Even as there has been an increase in awareness of mental health disorders that has brought a request for our services to a higher level, donations have dropped. While some of this drop can be attributed to our economic times, there appear to be other reasons as well.

For one thing, when people are in the throes of OCD, they are often not in the position to help others financially. Their own therapy and related costs, coupled with coping with a crisis situation, makes holiday giving a low priority. And once things stabilize for OCD sufferers and their families, the last thing they often want to think about are their struggles with OCD, and once again, contributing to mental health groups is overlooked.

Another point to consider is that many OCD sufferers and their families are just not comfortable talking about OCD, and may even keep it a secret. Chances are you know a lot more people with OCD than you think you do. If we were all more open about discussing OCD and how it affects us, it would become a more personal cause for a lot people, who, in turn, would donate to OCD organizations. One of the main goals of groups such as OCD Chicago is to reduce the stigma of OCD and other mental health disorders. Ironically, it is this very stigma that perpetuates the silence, precludes so many people from donating, and leaves us struggling financially.

And so I am asking, during this holiday season of giving, to consider donating to OCD Chicago or another OCD organization of your choice. If you or a loved one is suffering from OCD, or has suffered in the past, there is no better way to honor this struggle than to ensure the continuation of organizations such as OCD Chicago. If you remember that feeling of being “completely lost and alone,” please donate, so that others who may feel this way will always have somewhere to turn.

Janet Singer, an advocate for OCD awareness, is published regularly on various mental health web sites. She explores all topics related to OCD and shares what helped and what hurt in her son Dan’s recovery from this devastating disorder.  While there were many lessons learned along the way, Janet feels the most powerful one of all is that there is always hope. She is committed to getting the word out that OCD, no matter how severe, is treatable. You can read more about Dan’s story and follow her personal blog at: http://www.ocdtalk.wordpress.com. Janet uses a pseudonym to protect her son’s privacy.

Recognizing and Acknowledging OCD Symptoms

Posted by Janet Singer on November 01, 2011

Let’s say you wake up one morning and your leg hurts. You hobble around on it for a few days, but the pain gets worse. You tell yourself you’ll give it “one more day” and if it’s not better, you’ll call your doctor. Most of us can relate to this scenario where we’ve had a medical issue, we’ve kept an eye on it for a little while, and then we sought help, and a diagnosis.

But what if you have symptoms of a mental health disorder such as OCD? While it would be ideal to follow the same actions as above, that is often not the case. The truth is many OCD sufferers will do the opposite of the above scenario. Instead of seeking help, they will suffer in silence and hide their symptoms as much as possible.

While we have miles to go in educating the public as to what OCD really is and isn’t, we are making some progress. Information on OCD and its symptoms is readily available on the OCD Chicago site; there are more books, web sites, and organizations than ever before dedicated to helping those with this disorder.  We know that OCD is a treatable, neurologically based anxiety disorder. But still so many sufferers avoid a diagnosis, treatment, or both. Why?

The reasons include, but are certainly not limited to, fear, embarrassment and shame. And it is never simple. OCD is an insidious disorder that does whatever it can to undermine the sufferer’s desire to get well.  At a recent conference I attended, I met a woman who had been housebound for eight years because of severe OCD. She spoke eloquently of her struggle and also talked about the never ending support of her mother. While I assumed she must not have known she had OCD and that it was treatable, she told me that was not the case. In fact, she came from a family of OCD sufferers, and while intellectually she knew that OCD was treatable, she never felt that her OCD could be beaten. She had no hope for herself.

And so even in cases where the signs and symptoms of OCD are clear to the sufferer, it does not always mean they will initiate treatment.  This is one of the reasons why it is so important that family and friends also be aware of the symptoms of OCD. If you think there is a possibility your loved one may have OCD, learn everything you can about the disorder. Again, the OCD Chicago site, which includes these guides, offers a wealth of information. If we are able to convey our thoughts and concerns to the people we care about and let them know we are on their side, that realization might just bring them one step closer to fighting their OCD.

But like I said, nothing with OCD is simple. While there are the more typical obsessions and compulsions that we commonly use to illustrate OCD (obsession with germs leading to the compulsion of hand washing, for example), not all symptoms of OCD are so obvious or clear cut. After suffering for at least a few years, my son Dan finally told me he had OCD. At the time, he had no symptoms that I would have associated with OCD.  His compulsions were mostly mental, and therefore not obvious. As I learned more about the disorder, however, it became clear that Dan did indeed have visible symptoms of OCD; they were just lesser known symptoms. He had a hard time making decisions, he was constantly apologizing for things most people wouldn’t apologize for (a type of reassurance seeking), and he avoided doing things and going to places that he used to enjoy. Granted, not everyone who exhibits these symptoms has OCD, but these behaviors should at least raise some red flags and warrant a visit to a therapist, preferably one who specializes in OCD. Trust your intuition. If you have a feeling something is wrong, you’re probably right.

The bottom line is that OCD can manifest itself in many ways. As with fingerprints, no two people with OCD will have exactly the same symptoms. A lot of people, including OCD sufferers, don’t realize this. For OCD sufferers who exhibit some of the lesser known symptoms of the disorder, it is unlikely they will even be aware that they have OCD until they see a competent therapist. The more knowledgeable we can all become as to how OCD presents itself, the more apt we are to recognize the often elusive signs and symptoms of the disorder. And once we know what we are dealing with, we will be in a much better position to fight OCD.

Janet Singer, an advocate for OCD awareness, is published regularly on various mental health web sites. She explores all topics related to OCD and shares what helped and what hurt in her son Dan’s recovery from this devastating disorder.  While there were many lessons learned along the way, Janet feels the most powerful one of all is that there is always hope. She is committed to getting the word out that OCD, no matter how severe, is treatable. You can read more about Dan’s story and follow her personal blog at: http://www.ocdtalk.wordpress.com. Janet uses a pseudonym to protect her son’s privacy.

Fighting OCD - No More Secrets

Posted by Janet Singer on October 03, 2011

With the help of the Internet, my son Dan diagnosed himself with OCD at the age of seventeen. He had known something was wrong for at least a few years, but never told anyone. Wanting to get help before he left for college that coming fall, Dan mustered the courage to tell me his secret. We were in the car when he anxiously announced he had something really important to tell me. But he just couldn’t seem to get the words out.

“Just say it, Dan. You’ll feel better once you do,” I urged.

“Okay. I have OCD,” Dan blurted out.

With a quizzical look, I looked over at my son. “OCD? Obsessive Compulsive Disorder? Dan, what are you talking about? You never even wash your hands.”

While my knowledge of OCD at the time was minimal at best, telling me his secret was the smartest thing Dan could have done. Though it was not easy, he now had a ready-made advocate and the support of his family. Though I was shocked at his revelation and knew next to nothing about OCD, I, like most parents out there, was willing to do whatever it took to help my son.

If you are a teen who is either suffering from OCD or isn’t sure what is going on, please tell your parents about your concerns. While their initial reaction may not be what you hope for (see above!), please remember that they are probably surprised by your admission and know little, if anything, about the disorder. A common reaction from parents is to try and minimize their children’s fears by saying something like, “Oh, I do that too,” or “I’m sure it’s not that bad.” While this lack of validation can be upsetting for an OCD sufferer, these comments are usually made out of ignorance, not malice.

And so parents, indeed entire families, need to be educated, and the first step towards this education is to be open with each other and acknowledge what is going on. You and your parents need to learn as much as possible about OCD, and visiting the OCD Chicago site is a huge step toward that goal. There is a wealth of information here, from OCD symptoms to how to deal with your family to finding the right therapist.

Another reason why you should tell your parents about your OCD is that it is very important that they be taught the proper way to respond to you while you are dealing with this disorder and undergoing treatment. It is common for family members to inadvertently enable their relative with OCD, and this only makes matters worse. Your family deserves to know what is going on with you, so that they can help you as much as possible.

Some teens are reluctant to talk with their parents about their OCD because they are embarrassed or ashamed of their obsessions. Be assured that you do not have to share any of these details with your family if you do not wish to. Whatever you talk about with your therapist in regards to your OCD remains private. While it is important for your family to know that you have OCD, discussing the details of your disorder is up to you.

For whatever reason, there are teens who feel that it is just not possible to talk with their parents about their OCD.I realize there are all kinds of families with all kinds of issues, and sometimes it is not in the sufferer’s best interests to share with their parents. In this case, I can’t stress enough how important it is to have someone advocating for you. Please confide in a close relative or one of your friend’s parents, or someone at your school or religious institution who you trust.

Anything worthwhile takes hard work, and fighting OCD is no exception. The sooner you start treatment, the sooner you can rid yourself of your symptoms and get back to the business of being a teenager. Keep the bar high for yourself and always remember that all of the hopes and dreams that you have for your future can still be yours. So get started, and if you haven’t already, include the people who love you most in your journey. Tell your parents.

Janet Singer, an advocate for OCD awareness, is published regularly on various mental health web sites. She explores all topics related to OCD and shares what helped and what hurt in her son Dan’s recovery from this devastating disorder.  While there were many lessons learned along the way, Janet feels the most powerful one of all is that there is always hope. She is committed to getting the word out that OCD, no matter how severe, is treatable. You can read more about Dan’s story and follow her personal blog at: http://www.ocdtalk.wordpress.com. Janet uses a pseudonym to protect her son’s privacy.

Connections

Posted by Janet Singer on September 06, 2011

Welcome to Connections, OCD Chicago’s new blog! My name is Janet Singer and I will be blogging about anything and everything to do with OCD. My posts will include current topics of interest to OCD sufferers and their families, and I also hope to connect with readers by sharing my own thoughts and experiences. So whether you are an OCD sufferer or you care about someone with OCD, this blog is for you.

Three and a half years ago I flew fifteen hundred miles to be with my son Dan, who was in college. I knew he had not been well, but the condition I found him in shocked me. Dan had not eaten in more than a week and was spending hours at a time sitting hunched over in one particular chair, doing absolutely nothing. My son was in the throes of severe OCD.

What followed was a year-long roller coaster ride for our family, as we floundered and then fought our way through a disorienting maze of treatments and programs, desperately trying to find the best help possible for Dan. We went from seven therapists to ten medications to a nine week stay at a world renowned residential program. Our frustrations turned to horror as it became evident that many of the drugs and therapies used to help Dan were actually hurting him. There were times I wondered if my son would ever be able to function again in society, or even worse, survive. 

I will never forget that feeling of being completely lost and alone, not knowing who to listen to or where to turn for help.  This memory is one of the reasons why I became an advocate for OCD awareness, and am now so excited to be a part of Connections. I want to share what helped and what hurt in my son’s battle against severe OCD with the hope of benefiting others.

Another reason why I am so enthusiastic about Connections is that, while there is no doubt that OCD can be a devastating disorder, there is also no doubt that OCD is treatable. We can help each other through this journey, with the knowledge that there is indeed a light at the end of the tunnel.

As for my son Dan, he has worked hard to reclaim his life. He is now a senior in college and living life to the fullest. He still has OCD, but OCD does not have him. There is a big difference. And most importantly, he is living proof that even those with the most severe OCD can not only recover, but triumph.

Janet Singer, an advocate for OCD awareness, is published regularly on various mental health web sites. She explores all topics related to OCD and shares what helped and what hurt in her son Dan’s recovery from this devastating disorder.  While there were many lessons learned along the way, Janet feels the most powerful one of all is that there is always hope. She is committed to getting the word out that OCD, no matter how severe, is treatable. You can read more about Dan’s story and follow her personal blog at: http://www.ocdtalk.wordpress.com. Janet uses a pseudonym to protect her son’s privacy.